The crying newborn hit squad appeared out of nowhere today, being pushed into the changing rooms in a giant SUV stroller, as I was telling my sister whether she should or shouldn't buy that swimsuit at Ross. I was so blindsided I almost wept then and there. I gasped audibly and said "aww"... and wanted to scream and rage. Instead, I marched out of there and proceeded to buy just about everything that caught my eye even a little bit.
Then there were the twins in their baby buckets at Target. Out on a shopping trip with just dad and a toddler brother. No diaper bag, no mom in site. Two calm babies sitting atop the cart like luggage. So I bought more stuff I really didn't need.
And so I went to the gym at 9pm. Worked out for about 90 minutes. Had dreadful thoughts in the shower about how some babies get things like christenings and naming ceremonies and some babies get autopsies and cremations and how completely fucked up that is. And then I tried to get my head into a non-disturbing space, but it wouldn't budge.
One of the benefits of going to the gym at night is that no one is dropping their baby off at the kids club.
But no,when I left the car next to me had a rear-facing seat and a booster, just what my car should have. (Why oh why do I look?)
So I cried a little, then went to the 24 hour grocery store and bought overpriced, non-organic cherries. And now I'm going to cry a little while I brush my teeth and then likely cry myself to sleep.
MAN! having a dead baby sucks so fucking bad.
Dads Who Don’t Deal
6 years ago
Posts
5 comments:
Dude, it really does. Somedays I can't win for losing--babies everywhere, especially the ones atop the grocery cart. Fuck.
Retail therapy is REAL, let me tell you. Buying shit you don't need somehow works for the moment--whatever you need to make it through.
Hang in there, hugs to you. Hoping for a brighter day tomorrow. xo
Sometimes I can prepare for it...knowing there will be babies at target or something. But even then, it still takes me by surprise, especially if they look the age Lyra was to be. And then there are the places you don't expect babies. I end up buying too much too, but my husband has been very gracious with me :) Thinking of you, and hoping for something that comes along to make you smile, even if it's just for a moment. We have to hang on to those moments right now.
{{hugs}}
"crying newborn hit squad" - that's awesome.
Yeh I find it always hits you when you least expect it. The only thing I have found helps with the stuck in the bad headspace thing is to try learning something very difficult. I'm trying contact juggling...I've found you can't juggle and think at the same time. But dead babies still suck royally whatever you do.
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