This is huge for me. I am a super home-body that thinks a two hour drive is an epic journey.
Today I am running away from home. Taking some space. Getting out into the world. Going to a city where I know exactly one person. No chance of anyone else there knowing my story. The vacant look in my eyes could be from any old thing, or drugs. Not that Portland is a small town, but damn! I see people I know wherever I go. Like, why the hell was the lady who came into my cafe in NE every Sunday at the Trader Joe's in SE? I don't know if it's worse to fly under their radar (hey! why don't you remember that I'm supposed to have a 2.5 month-old?) or be called out ("Hey, where's your baby?") or to endure the knowing looks and pitiful hugs or awkward acknowledgments ("oh honey, I'm sooooo sorry.") ("You should be it's your fault! ">:-( A monster inside me would love to say this. I like to keep her sedated)
I am worried about leaving my kids and pets, but damn it will be nice to not be that neighbor lady, or that lady from the cafe, or homeschooling group, or park, or market whose baby DIED. My glassy eyed stare and new found social ineptitude will have no meaning there. And for a few days that will be nice.
I am packing sunglasses, a credit card and some skirts.
Oh, and don't worry. I have a therapist appointment before I go ;-)
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2 comments:
i hope you succeed at hiding out for awhile. i wish i could. i hope your appointment with the therapist does some good. thinking of you.
just wanted to drop by and say hello. i ran away one month after Harvey died , i felt like i was abandoning my dead son, turned out to be the best thing i could have done for me at the time. turned out my son was dead and i couldn't abandon him. coming home to the empty house was hard. its all hard to get used to, but you do, xxx anne
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