Yesterday I had to go for my female exam. The actual procedure was unpleasant, but no big deal. However, the hour-long explanation that I had to give before hand, complete with sobbing and cursing, took it's toll. Also, I was told to go have an ultrasound to make sure everything was fine down there after the almost bleeding to death three weeks ago.
I was fine the rest of the day. Really, we went to Trader Joe's and I only mildly seethed at the happy pregnant woman with her darling preschooler in his happy little dinosaur raincoat pushing his miniature shopping cart. Meanwhile my spazzy 5 year-old in the SAME black and orange with skulls ensemble (that he had worn, slept in and gardened in, for two days straight) crawled over, under and around the cart like a monkey on crack.
Later, I had Nigel's twin friends over to play, while their mom and I made dinner. I even showed Juniper's "ashes", urn, and dead baby pictures to this kind friend. All without much emotion. I maintained composure, even though it was NOT expected of me. I did have a couple glasses of wine after that...
So today, of course, I wake up and EVERYTHING is a freaking trigger. A baby welcoming party invite (not sent to me, but I saw it) on Facebook. A receipt for the birthtub I ordered peeking out from my documents folder. A call for help I don't think I can give, from a friend who has really been there for me. Today I am a mess again. I hate this. I still have to carry on. We have appointments to keep. I would much rather lay in bed and cry. I am short with my kids. Their neediness drives me crazy. Crazy in thinking that I would want to add one more needy soul to this mix. Grief is more needy than a colicky baby. I just wish they would leave me alone so I could miss their brother (and the fact that they will never have another one) in peace. My cup is empty and cracked today.
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6 comments:
I am thinking of you today...
~claudia
I think having children to still take care of after the death of another child would be another level of difficulty in this whole grief journey. I don't know what your experiencing, but I'm hoping for some trigger free days for you. You're in my thoughts.
Hey you did great yesterday, I'm sorry you had a bad day today, I wish I could tell you it gets easier. Take it easy on yourself *hugs*
I wish you could heal in peace, but grief is big and ugly and relentless. You're in my thoughts. xo xo
Let yourself cry. Your children are grieving too. They won't understand it all, but they will know the depth of your love. I wish I were close enough to help you on those trigger days. I am always reminded of Grandma Daniel (Lola) when there is a miscarriage or death of a child. She saw 5 of her 7 die before her. How did she do it? When our first Chinese baby died I thought I couldn't go on. How do you end up as positive and loving as her after going through all that? Please know that I am praying for you and your whole family. The grief won't go away soon. Don't try to rush it. Give yourself permission to feel. Give your kids permission to feel. Know that the monkey on crack is letting out his anger, sadness, and grief as well. Don't worry about what anyone else's child is doing. They aren't walking in your shoes. Walk your journey. You will make it through to the other side in your own time.
Thanks so much. I must have been thinking pretty hard of Mamaw last night. I had an overwhelming urge to make chicken and dumplings. I'm pretty sure Lola never had to Google "rolled dumplings" or "vegan chicken soup" but I found some and made Vegan chick'n and dumplings for the first time ever.
It's such a long, slow road and I am tired and impatient.
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