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r) n.Let's start with this
1. The condition or fact of not achieving the desired end or ends: the failure of an experiment.
2. One that fails: a failure at one's career.
3. The condition or fact of being insufficient or falling short: a crop failure.
4. A cessation of proper functioning or performance: a power failure.
5. Nonperformance of what is requested or expected; omission: failure to report a change of address.
6. The act or fact of failing to pass a course, test, or assignment.
7. A decline in strength or effectiveness.
- I did not achieve the desired end of my pregnancy, it is a fact my experiment at producing life failed.
- I failed, my uterus failed. We don't know exactly what caused the failure, but something fucked up.
- My body was insufficient somehow. It fell short, it restricted my baby's growth, severely
- Something did not function properly. A child that is 21 inches long should weigh more than 4.5 pounds.
- Nonperformance. I specifically requested and expected a NOT DEAD baby.
- I really failed at the birth a live baby test
- A definite decline in effectiveness. It worked before, but this time it failed. Like so many broken condoms;-)
I hate that we can't own our failures. If we claim that we failed, or that our bodies' failed or something like that, we get a torrent of comments denying us that claim. "You didn't fail" Your body didn't fail you," "You are not a failure." As if something magical happened that I had no part in, whether conscious of it or not.
I don't think I'm an over-all failure, just at this one thing in this point and time. No, I didn't TRY to fail, but it happened and it is a fact I have to deal with, not gloss over or deny. I try not to use that term lightly, as if I'm fishing for a compliment. When I say I failed, I really did FAIL. And it's okay. I have to try again and do it right the next time. Denial is not going to change anything. I need to own that failure, know it's not permanent, it doesn't make me a bad person. I need to try something different that's all. That doesn't mean anyone has to dwell on the failure, or give up. But damn, why can't we say it?
And if we didn't fail, what the hell happened?
I don't think I'm an over-all failure, just at this one thing in this point and time. No, I didn't TRY to fail, but it happened and it is a fact I have to deal with, not gloss over or deny. I try not to use that term lightly, as if I'm fishing for a compliment. When I say I failed, I really did FAIL. And it's okay. I have to try again and do it right the next time. Denial is not going to change anything. I need to own that failure, know it's not permanent, it doesn't make me a bad person. I need to try something different that's all. That doesn't mean anyone has to dwell on the failure, or give up. But damn, why can't we say it?
And if we didn't fail, what the hell happened?
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5 comments:
I'm with you. I failed. My body failed. Fluid leaked out, an infection got in and she died - that is not supposed to happen so I view it as a failure. Granted I was 5 days past my due date, and I was in early labour so these things can and do happen, but I will never be able to stop blaming myself. When I start drowning in the guilt though, I remind myself we also have our doctors and midwives to lay some of the blame on, because things had started to go wrong, I got a bit worried, and they did nothing about it. My body failed but they also failed me.
Still, I read this and want to tell you that you didn't fail. That you're not a failure. That you did all you could and not to be so hard on yourself.
I know it is not that simple though. And I know I should listen to those words myself. Because I will always feel like a failure when it comes to looking at my daughter's death.
xo
Yep, when your medical chart reads: Gravida: 1, Para: 1, Living: 0...that can't mean anything but failure.
At my six week postpartum visit with the high risk OB, after hearing my list of worries about my healing and my body, he asked me why I was so concerned that I wasn't healing "correctly" - and I told him through tears, that when my body had failed at the one most important task I had ever asked of it, how could I possibly trust that it was doing anything correctly after that...
I hear you. Everybody keeps telling me to stop thinking I failed.
Thank you for understanding. God, how I wish none of us had to understand.
I wish we didn't all think like this, although I have my fair share of "my body is excellent at killing babies" feelings. I don't think life is the kind of competition where you win or lose, isn't it all more complex than that? Have we all got so used to expecting that much control over things that we deem ourselves responsible for things that are in fact out totally out of our control. Reproductive biology in all of nature really is like magic and for all our technology we have precious little control over human biology. None of us did anything actively wrong, we didn't "fail" to do anything and maybe that's why it hits so hard. It's not so much that we failed but that we didn't get to keep the prize we had already won.
I agree with a lot of what Frustrated Fairy wrote. I think part of our dealing with failure is the fact that we want complete control over everything. If we claim that it was our fault that we lost our babies, then it was all in our control. But most of the time it isn't. There isn't anything most of us could do to change the outcome. This is something that is very difficult for us to deal with. And I think it's why the grief and pain hurts so much. When we become pregnant, we, as mothers, know that it is up to us to care for the baby. It is within our control what we put in our bodies...and what we do. It all seems to be in our control...other than nature itself. I'm so sorry that we all have to deal with this. It's such a terrible feeling. By the way, I want for your dream to come true...a healthy, living baby. What a miracle! ((hugs))
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