It's fake. This me that has to function in the real world. This person who doesn't cry when they see a baby. This person who deoesn't scream "pick up that baby, it's not a piece of fucking luggage!" to random women with their SUV strollers and baby buckets.
The person who can get groceries, eat at restaurants, coherantly order a cup of coffee, goes canoeing 6 weeks after giving birth, is thinking about going back to college, is learning the guitar.
I don't like this person.
She is different. And not in a good way.
I liked my old self, but I don't get to be her anymore. That's what was "lost."
The baby died, I got lost.
The person who can get groceries, eat at restaurants, coherantly order a cup of coffee, goes canoeing 6 weeks after giving birth, is thinking about going back to college, is learning the guitar.
I don't like this person.
She is different. And not in a good way.
I liked my old self, but I don't get to be her anymore. That's what was "lost."
The baby died, I got lost.
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5 comments:
it may be fake, but some times you just have to fake it till you make it. I hope you have places you can be real. (you can always be real with me)
xo
There is never a good age or a good time for one's child to die. Whether at birth, one year, ten years, thirty years, or sixty years, it is simply out of life's natural order. Children should not die before their parents.
It's just so completely incomprehensible to your body, mind, and psyche that the baby you recently carried and loved and birthed is dead, that it's no wonder you feel a bit lost, or on another planet.
Sending you a lot of love as your mourn the old you and try to fit in the skin of the new you.
I'm sad for you. So many of us are sad for you. Maybe we are carrying some of your sad so you don't have to bear it all. Korin is right: sometimes you have to fake it just to get through it. When you are stronger, you will be able to let go a little, and all your life there will be little moments you can grieve without falling apart.
So sorry you have to do this. Remember all your friends, helping you live each day, with a safety net of love and care.
Wow, this is exactly how i've been feeling!!
Yep, I'm with you on this. I miss the old me too. *sending hugs your way* xxx
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