Dear Blog

So sorry I have neglected you. I have been in a dark place. I broke the blood vessels under my eyes from crying so hard. I have been so very very sad. I really just wanted to check into a mental institution for a vacation.

The FUCKING Holidays

AGGRRHHHH!

They suck for all of us DBMs, for so many reasons. It is really awful to have this vacancy that we all have. Where "baby's first Christmas" and all that crap should be we have ... nothing. A big gaping maw of empty space in a time that is all about children and family. And the world still expecting that empty space to be filled with false smiles, cookies and tinsel, well wishes and crumpled wrapping paper.


For me they suck in a special way (not harder, not worse, just umm...more pointy.) See, Juniper and Nigel are a week apart. Well, 5 years minus one week. So five years ago we had "baby's first Solstmas*" Five years ago, Nigel was learning to walk and my dad came out for the holidays and


Arrrggghhh FUCK IT ALL I don't even have to imagine what this time should be like I KNOW what it should be like. I lived it and I'm supposed to be living it again and I can't even find a fucking picture that isn't gruesome to put in the frame I made because someone is missing from this family and so the frame with his name on it is ironically empty!
AND IT JUST FUCKING SUCKS!
And I'm not supposed to ruin Solstmas for the kids I DO have. But I just can't wrap my brain around joining the charade of celebration. And we are not christian and they don't need anything, and our family is a billion miles away. And I don't want to kill a tree and we don't have a place to plant a live one and I can't fathom buying a bunch of shit just so we can go along with the rest of the sheeple. I just want to run away. And they, of course, don't understand. I am usually the Solstmas cheerleader. I make the fucking holidays happen and everyone just has expected that all along and usually that's okay. But this year I just can't and no one else wants to do it, but they want to complain about it nonetheless. Or they want to run away too. And I want them here, I just don't want to make the effort to pretend to be happy when I'm not.

I want a baby
and a tree
and a Solstmas party

I want this again  

 or this (but with my baby)

 

 

And so I'll throw a holiday tantrum and if I can't have what I want. Then NOBODY gets anything. So THERE!


 *Solstmas being my own, made-up holiday, seeing as how we are not christian or pagan or ANYthing