If you're wondering where I've been

Hey folks. If you're wondering where I've been, well...

I was trying to avoid the scenario which is now unfolding anyway.

See, I was pregnant. For about a minute. And as of today, I am not anymore.

I was having sharp pains in my side about 1.5 weeks ago and I went to the hospital to make sure it wasn't tubal. It wasn't, but the heart beat, at six weeks, was only 79bpm. So I knew it wasn't good. The tech tried to be optimistic, but I have been down this road before and had little hope of any sort of miraculous recovery. So I waited, but nothing happened, except I felt like shit and queasy all day and night. So, we went back today for what should have been my first prenatal and sure enough, no heartbeat and still 6 week size. I knew, I was ready. I did all my crying a week and a half ago and then just decided that we won't know if we are pregnant until the 14th.

So we are not, and that is fine for now, except my body was not doing the expulsion of contents it normally does. So I had the choices of: wait and see, take drugs at home, or D&C. I am not getting any younger, and don't want to damage my cervix anymore (it is scarred from a come biopsy 11 years ago) so I chose the pills. And some lovely Percoset. They kicked in pretty fast, so I am sitting here bleeding and also a bit woozy, because one Persocset did nothing for the pain, so I took another half and am just staying awake long enough for the next dose.

I am alright, I didn't tell too many people, didn't really have a lot of hope in the first place and didn't get too attached. And I had a week and a half to mentally prepare. I just really want to get this done so I can have one normal cycle and then try again.

But I thought I should explain the radio silence.

It's cool, you don't have to say sorry. Maybe "better luck next time" that would be cool. But the perinatologist said that 60% of pregnancies end in miscarriage, mostly before a woman knows she's pregnant. Not comforting numbers by any means.

I know it's not how statistics works, but with this being miscarriage number three (my first "missed abortion" as they call it), two living children and dear stillborn Juniper, I think I've surpassed my 60% allotment right?
 And since all the bloodwork after Juniper was perfect and normal in every way (including really good iron levels. Take THAT vegan haters;-) They aren't going to investigate this further, so we just have to try again and hope for the best. That's a lot of hope and I have little in reserve. So if anybody has some spare hope laying around that can be spared that would be good. I'm not getting any younger...