Not Today

Most of you won't read this until it is that day.
But today is not that day.
Today I went to the doctor who finally said "uhh yeah let's check your progesterone and chromosomes and stuff next time." and who gave me a script for Xanax, so maybe my brain will finally shut up at night. And also a natural supplement for stress and anxiety relief during the day so I can be calm and still drive and function. Today I learned that I have lost 6 pounds since I stopped going to the gym.
Today I also went to my beloved chiropractor. I drank from the bird cup. And we chatted about this and that and poop ;-)
Today I squeezed in a $100 trip to the Asian market and bought overpriced potstickers by accident. Today I don't really care. Also I bought tempura vegetables.
Today I picked my boy up from school and did NOT take a nap and instead took him to the supermarket and the playground. I bought my grrl a phone charger, even though she hates me again.
Today I spent over and hour in the kitchen and made Tempura from eggplant, onion, mushroom, sweet potato, carrots and fakey fish. It was oily and yummy.
Today I ate almost nothing, and then too much.
Today I talked to a counselor and made an appointment for me and the grrl.
Today I tried to write out invitations for a birthday party that will always be exactly a week from tomorrow. Every year.
Today I received, in the mail, a box full of wedding dresses with which I am to sew clothing for babies who have died. The patterns start at 18 weeks.
Today I decided that maybe that was a project best reserved for tomorrow.
Today I am going to pop my first Xanax and hopefully fall into a blissful dreamless slumber.

Today is almost over. And I dread tomorrow. Not because it will be scary or sad (which it will) but more likely because it will be just like every other day. There will be no balloons, or first cakes or presents. Just me, the boy and a whole lot of time that I am tempted to fill so that I don't have to remember all that shit that ISN'T.

Also this song has been going through my head like a runaway train... Not intended towards anyone, except maybe the part of me that insists on chattering away the night.